


No Turning Back

by Natashasolten



Category: Wiseguy
Genre: First Time, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-27
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2018-01-06 09:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1105243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natashasolten/pseuds/Natashasolten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gina is raped and Vinnie kills the Lorenzo-imposter, Vinnie is in an emotional haze. Heartfelt concern wakens in Sonny a realization of just how strong his affection for Vinnie really is. And for Vinnie, dazed and in shock, Sonny becomes the only steadfast light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Turning Back

**Author's Note:**

> This story was previously published in the fanzine Dyad.

**No Turning Back**

by Natasha Solten

 

 

 

_...you in back of my thoughts_

_in the thick distress of my heart…_

**Sunset In Queens**

 

A fuchsia and aquamarine sunset streaked the western sky that afternoon when the cops  finally let Vinnie go.  A soft, cool wind blew through the streets of Queens, gathering old leaves and bits of paper; Sonny watched as tiny whirlwinds dressed themselves in lost trash.  Vinnie walked up to the limo door and Sonny opened it from inside; the light came in tinged with a dimness of foreboding.  And longing.  And a quiet desperation to turn back time, undo the day, subdue the recent evil they could not know had been coming.

 

Vinnie got in gracefully, quietly, gaze down-turned with shadows on his smooth cheeks cast by the thick spread of his eyelashes.  Sonny watched him carefully.  Vinnie’s left hand shook a little.  His right hand pressed against the seat where Sonny couldn’t see it. His pale blue t-shirt drew tight across his shoulders as the young man hunched just a little.  Seeing that thin material and the rest of his arms bare against the oncoming night gave Sonny a chill.  After what Vinnie had just been through, then the cops questioning him, no doubt pressing him hard, it was no surprise that Vinnie looked half-used, withdrawn.  The twilight breeze ruffled Vinnie’s bangs as the limo door closed and they took off.

 

Sonny didn’t say a word.  What could he say?  Vinnie had just killed his nephew Lorenzo. A family member.  A relative.  Sonny was within his rights to exact retribution.  The details should not have mattered.  But they did.  Two stood out.

 

Vinnie was more than a brother to him.  And Vinnie’s hand was shaking.

 

Overlying those two major facts, and actually the most pressing detail, was also the knowledge that Lorenzo had raped Gina Augustina. Vinnie’s girl.  Sonny would have killed Lorenzo himself for that.

 

Sonny leaned forward and pressed the intercom button to the driver.  “Take us straight home,” he ordered.

 

Now Vinnie’s palms pressed together in his lap, fingers entwining abstractly.  The greenish veins on the backs of his hands mapped his skin intricately, leading up to his forearms which, while muscled, were not overly so and remained smooth.  The cut on his neck was only half-healed, still pink around the edges from Lorenzo’s violent attack on him the previous night, slicing Vinnie down to the ground for no seeming sane reason with a bouquet of stolen car antennas.

 

Sonny could hear him breathing clear but uneven.  He couldn’t help but wonder if Vinnie might be thinking Sonny would kill him for Lorenzo to save face for the Steelgrave name.  He hoped Vinnie knew him better than that.

 

He had introduced Gina to Lorenzo against Vinnie’s will, inviting her to a dinner Vinnie had wanted her left out of. A part of him felt responsible for this day.  And yet defiant.  How could he know that sweet boy Lorenzo had grown into such a disturbed, evil man? He hadn’t seen him in close to twenty years. There were so many things he wanted to say to Vinnie.  _I’m sorry.  I’m not going to kill you._

The sky had turned purple.  The day was ending.  The colors brought more strange feelings, a sort of empty decline in the beat of his heart, an emotion of quenching loss. He thought of his brother and the first dusting of brown dirt that had hit the coffin lid at the funeral.  He thought of how the sky that day had seemed unnecessarily blue, like Vinnie’s eyes, and how equally disturbed and delighted he was at himself that he even noticed.  After today, if Vinnie never talked to him again, he’d understand.  But he felt a zing of adrenalin surge at the mere thought, a mix of desperation and sadness that he might lose this guy from his life.

 

He clamped down on his bodily reactions.  Here he was, thinking about himself.  A habit with his lifestyle, of course.  But it had been Gina who’d been raped.  And Vinnie who now possibly thought he was headed to Sonny’s mythical gallows.

 

‘Mythical’ was the word Sonny used because in reality he’d ordered very few ‘kills’ in his life.  He had not even sanctioned Dave’s killing of that cop, Stan.  He had ordered Vinnie to kill that other cop who’d been dogging him, and who had insulted him at Dave’s funeral, but it was rare for him to order a murder.  He had to be very riled up to do it, or pressured by such a lack of honor in someone to even consider it.  Self-defense didn’t count.

 

Self-defense had been Vinnie’s motive today.  And so for Sonny it changed all the rules.  Nephew or not, Lorenzo had had it coming. Vinnie had made every right move.

 

Again he wanted to speak.  _You did good._

 

He remained silent.

 

The air in the limo started to feel colder.  Through his silk suit his skin prickled. Sonny pressed the intercom.  “Turn the heat up a little, would you?”

 

The pressing dark now.  The darkness of Vinnie’s bowed head.  The darkness inside him quelling to a quiet isolation of depth.  The abyss of this day.  It could not be turned back.

 

He swallowed uncomfortably.

 

_If he doesn’t forgive me,_ he thought, _I will have to let him go._

 

And there was that little surge of panic again, confusing him.

 

He had another thought that if Vinnie were to hit him right now it would feel very good.  He reached his hand up to his jaw and slid his fingers over it.

 

As he did so, he heard Vinnie’s breath catch, an almost whisper.  “I’m…sorr…”

 

“Don’t.” Sonny held his hand up.  Hearing Vinnie was almost like being hit, but actually more painful.  Vinnie was apologizing for killing Sonny’s blood relation.  Vinnie shouldn’t have to do that!

 

And Gina?  How could Sonny ever make up for that?  He’d pay her hospital bill of course, and make sure she had anything she needed.  There was no question there.  And in return he only hoped that things could get better.

 

He leaned back, took a deep breath and said, “You have nothing to excuse, nothing to defend.  So just…don’t.”

 

Vinnie looked at him.  Sonny turned away.  He didn’t want to see those eyes right now.  The blue sky of Dave’s funeral. Blue solicitude. Regret. Grief. And maybe even accusation.

 

He leaned to the side and opened the fridge taking out two bottles of water.  He handed one to Vinnie who shook his head.  Sonny set it next to him on the seat.

 

Vinnie’s crossed fingers made tight “X”s on his lap.  Out the window, as they were leaving the city, a single star sent codes of light in flickers on the horizon.  What message did a near-immortal star have to give?  _Burn steady. Carry on._

 

He wanted so badly to make up for this day.  He was sure Vinnie was thinking the exact same thing.

 

He knew from his contacts that Gina had been released from the hospital while Vinnie was still being questioned about Lorenzo’s death.  She would be spending some time with her mother in Manhattan.  Vinnie had to know.  There was a reason he had not demanded to go be with her right now.

 

After awhile, he asked, “Are you hungry?”

 

Vinnie shook his head ‘no’ but looked up at the same time, brows drawn together.

 

Sonny bit the inside of his lower lip where skin pressed teeth.  “I’m not going to kill you if that’s what you’re thinking.  You’re not responsible.”

 

Vinnie murmured, “Sometimes you surprise me.”

 

“Why?”

 

Vinnie shrugged and it looked painful when he did it.

 

“This should never have happened,” Sonny said. “You took care of it.”

 

“But…”

 

“You don’t need to say anymore. And whatever else I can do to help Gina, just ask.”

 

Vinnie glanced away.

 

Sonny said, “In some cases blood is thicker than justice.  Not this time.  Fuck.  Did you think I wouldn’t understand?”

 

“No.  But you loved your nephew.”

 

It wasn’t too odd to Sonny that Vinnie wouldn’t say his name. “No I didn’t. I thought I was doing him a favor, looking out for him based on some memory of him as a sweet little boy. I didn’t love him.”  He wanted to add that Vinnie was the better man.  The words wouldn’t come.

 

The streetlights were just coming on, gold against the graying edge of dusk. Silence grew between them as the night bloomed full-shadowed.

 

Sonny glanced at the still untouched bottle of water on the seat by Vinnie’s hip.  Softly, “Maybe something stronger?”

 

Vinnie stared out the side window.  After a prolonged pause that seemed to increase the tension, he said, “Hell.  Give it over.”

 

Sonny made two whiskeys, neat.  The limo’s fridge was well-stocked.  The square cut glasses weighed heavy in his hand.

 

Vinnie did not reach to take either one.  He did not look at Sonny as he leaned over Sonny’s lap and grabbed the bottle; up-ending it, he drank a couple of swallows, then righted it.  He did not offer it to Sonny who was still holding the two glasses.  Turning his head again he stared out the window.

 

Sonny held his breath for one disappointed moment, then shrugged, pouring the contents of one glass into the other.  A double.  He set the empty glass on the limo’s tiny, fold-down counter and put the full glass to his lips, inhaling the brackish rich-tart scent, then tasting the warmth, feeling it go all the way down.

 

Vinnie drank a couple more gulps from the bottle as Sonny watched him.  In very little time the elixir seemed to be doing the trick.  Vinnie’s body went from stiff to relaxed quite quickly.  He sank further into the seat and his shoulders fell back, no longer so tight.  His breathing deepened and slowed, his gaze more languid now as he looked away from the window toward Sonny.  He still wouldn’t meet his eyes.

 

Sonny said, “You can take some time off.”

 

Vinnie’s glance widened.  “No, I…”

 

“It’s okay.  You do what you gotta do.”

 

“I don’t want…”

 

“Maybe,” Sonny interrupted, “you’ll decide you don’t want to work for me anymore.”

 

“That’s not…”

 

He cut Vinnie off.  “I’m a man of honor.  You’ve been wronged by one of my own.  I will sanction any decision you make.”

 

Vinnie just stared at him.

 

Now Sonny met his gaze unflinching.

 

Vinnie blinked, a little glazed-looking.  The held gaze became prolonged causing a weird unsteadiness in Sonny’s veins.  Vinnie’s brows narrowed.  Softly, “Sonny, I don’t blame you.”

 

This man was uncanny.  Sonny had the unbidden thought that he had been lax in his observations.  He hadn’t noticed before, not really, that possibly Vinnie was just too sweet of a guy for his world. “Maybe you should.”

 

A sharp intake of breath.  Vinnie looked away.  “It’s my own fault.  I asked her out knowing I was going to keep this life separate from her.”

 

“Vinnie, if you’re embarrassed by this job, if it’s not what you want, I just gave you carte blanche to go your own way without recrimination or hard feelings.”  It was hard to say it but when it was out he felt a big weight lift.  He wanted Vinnie with him, but not forced, not if Vinnie’s heart was somewhere else.  This man, strong, brave, intelligent, was showing a nature that was something other than Sonny had originally assumed.  Not that Vinnie wasn’t perfectly capable of dark deeds, or that all soldiers where heartless, just that this guy had gotten to him.  This guy had become someone he wanted to treat differently, better.  Not someone to use, but to partner with.  Not just a guard but a confidant.  He’d gotten used to the cold manipulations of the people in his environment.  He was that way himself.  It was easy to order those guys around, give them thoughtless jobs, but not Vinnie.  Everything Vinnie did was heartfelt, done with forethought and conscious effort.  Vinnie thought about consequences, aftereffects, automatically weighed profits and losses, used his empathic reason to negate or prove a case.  He was that rare human capable of unilateral decisions. This was no mere pawn on the chess board.  Sonny saw so much more potential in him than that, and wanted it, but only if Vinnie was willing.

 

There was also a fairness and honesty in Vinnie that, if he held onto him and brought him closer to his personal fold, could help to gather more loyalty and backing, and possibly become the catalyst that took strength away from Patrice.  If people saw Sonny as more straight-up in his dealings, easier to trust, they would want to do business with him.  They would back him perhaps even in direct opposition to Patrice.

 

Vinnie was an asset…no better could be found.  And their friendship counted for just as much.  It hadn’t surprised Sonny.  He had liked Vinnie instantly and had never found it difficult to win people over.  But too often, because of his position, the relationships still remained superfluous.  Not so with Vinnie.  He was neither intimidated nor shy with Sonny.  He seemed as easy-going as Sonny was, daring to place himself on equal footing but never showing any disrespect.  They were a match.

 

Now, as all those thoughts passed through Sonny’s mind, he startled at Vinnie’s next words.  “Do you want me gone?”

 

“What?  No.  I thought you…”  He stopped.  Swallowed.

 

Almost whispering, “I don’t want to leave.”

 

“Then I want you to stay.”

 

At Sonny’s statement, Vinnie visibly relaxed.  Sonny hadn’t realized he’d tensed up so much again.

 

Well of course he wanted Vinnie to stay!  How could Vinnie think otherwise?  But he realized there was more trust waiting to be established between them.  Mob rules made men scared.  An eye for an eye, stuff like that.  Revenge was something Sonny understood.  But not in this case. Vinnie couldn’t keep thinking that Sonny was that shallow.

 

Sonny said, “I’m not mad.”  He gave a half-laugh but a pang of grief lit through him.  “You know me better than that.”

 

Truth was, few did.

 

“I do now,” was Vinnie’s response.

 

_Not before?_   Sonny said, “I don’t give my deepest friendships lightly.”

 

Maybe he expected a smile at that statement.  Maybe, at the very least, a nod.  Instead, Vinnie sighed lightly and leaned back with the most pained look.  Sadness shattered his eyes.  He lifted the bottle of Jack Daniels and drank deeply.

 

Sonny upended his own square-cut glass.  The rest of the ride home was mostly silence.

 

*

 

**That Dark Road Home**

_the dappled shade from the oncoming night shattered against the limo’s windows_

_breaking_

_he looked for the moon_

_saw only one star pulsing **burn steady** it said  **carry on**_

_next to him the silence of Sonny that was also a part of him in this cloaked nightmare careened with electricity…even motionless it seemed Sonny was always moving_

_the whiskey made itself a part of him_

_the burn in his throat like a rape…Gina…his fault_

_from one city to another sliding through dark and darkness and darker darknesses no home no heart thinking **I am a man who is dishonest and betraying because I think I am right**_

****

**_I am responsible for this rape_ **

_the curve of Sonny’s shoulder brushed and rested against him on the leather seat unnoticed by Sonny or maybe on purpose he leaned against a mob-worn warmth that should be cold not hot and heard him say **we’re home** but home is where the heart is that can’t be here and Sonny said **c’mon babe up** with the solid but gentle touch of palm to elbow and that endearment (no one had ever called him that before) making the ground swirl…_

_Gina had never made him dizzy like whiskey and Sonny_

_the cologne scent of him_

_and Vinnie thought sadly of what had come and what would come looking at the near empty whiskey bottle now rolling on the dark soft carpet of the limo: **it is all my fault**_

_*_

 

**Better Or Worse**

 

He couldn’t say if the news made his world better or worse.  For Vinnie it was better, really.  For himself, well, he had another memorial service to plan.  The memory of his sweet youngest nephew had once again been murdered.  _Yabba dabba doo_ …

 

When he told Vinnie the information he’d obtained, that Lorenzo had been an imposter, that the real guy Vinnie had killed was a madman escapee from an asylum for the criminally insane, and had murdered Lorenzo and stolen his identity, Vinnie had remained stoic.

 

It had been two nights now since the dark ride home from Queens.

 

Vinnie still drifted in and out of lost looks, shadowed gazes.  He did everything right, of course, showed up to the office early every day, offered his same, thoughtful, smooth advice.  Accompanied Sonny on any errand he was asked to do.  Nothing about him was ever out of place or unordinary.

 

But Sonny could look in his eyes and see it.  The down-turned cast of his attention just a little too far away, the muscles near the corners of his eyes curved down, the set of them deeper, veiled.  He gave Sonny half-smiles only.  And rarely.

 

Right now he sat on the smooth, leather couch in Sonny’s office pretending to read the paper.  Sonny knew he was pretending because he hadn’t seen him turn the page in over 15 minutes.

 

The sun shone in through the giant windows behind him casting Vinnie in a brightness that had him squinting.  Something about him…a glowing.  He kept having these odd thoughts.  It was, actually, slightly tormenting.

 

“Vinnie,” he called. “Did you see that letter from Gwyn around anywhere?”

 

Vinnie didn’t answer.

 

He realized he hadn’t heard him.  Sonny got up from his oval, glass desk and walked around the couch to face him.  Blinking, Vinnie looked up, a few stray bangs shadowing his broad, tan forehead.

 

“You feeling okay?” Sonny asked.

 

“Fine.  Why?”

 

“What did I just say before I walked over here?”

 

“I…”

 

Gently, Sonny took the paper from Vinnie’s hands.  “Must not be a very exciting news day.”

 

Vinnie let the paper slide from his fingers.  Sonny folded it and put it on the coffee table, then sat down next to it facing him, elbows on his knees.  “Did you call her?”

 

Vinnie looked stunned for a moment at the question.  They had not spoken of Gina since the limo drive from Queens to Atlantic City. His eyelids lowered.  “Once.”

 

“How is she?”

 

“Remarkably okay, considering…”

 

Sonny tilted his head, staring at that shuttered, handsome face.  “Okay.  What about you?”

 

Vinnie lifted his head almost defensively.  “What about me?”

 

“How are you?”

 

Vinnie just sat there, mouth half open.

 

“Maybe you should go see her?”

 

Now Vinnie’s lower lip disappeared as he bit down.  He shook his head.  “I won’t be seeing her.”

 

“She broke it off,” Sonny said, tone low.

 

“No.”

 

“But you can’t…you’re not that kind of man. She’ll think it’s because…”

 

Vinnie let that half-smile come to his lips and said, “No, she knows why.  She knows I couldn’t live with myself if I ever put her in danger again.”

 

“But she didn’t want you to go?”

 

Air huffed from Vinnie’s mouth and he looked away.  Then he leaned back, looking at the wall.  “I’m gonna take a break from this dating thing anyway.”

 

Sonny heard more than his words, felt an insular depth of surrender that was not in Vinnie’s character at all.  He didn’t like it.  “I’m sorry, Vinnie.”

 

“For what?”

 

“You really liked her.”

 

Vinnie just shrugged.

 

“C’mon.”  Sonny suddenly reached out and grasped Vinnie’s wrist.

 

“What?”

  
”I’m taking you to lunch.  Some place really nice.”

 

“No, Sonny. I’m all right.”

 

“This is because I want to.  Okay?  And we need to get out.  Let’s just go.”

 

Vinnie looked at him askance, but slowly rose as Sonny tugged at his wrist. “If you’re doing this to placate me, I’m more a beer and burgers type of guy.”

 

“Beer and burgers it is, then.”

 

*

 

**The Luminous Kingdom Of Steelgrave**

_dealing with Sonny…like a journey without a map_

_his jokes: **and so the old man found himself without an umbrella and a stray dog humping his shin**_

_his hyper-charged grins the fire of his being that seemed to leave sparks on the ground everywhere he walked_

_orangeamberchartreuse embers winking_

_the dark sharp eyes not cold despite the shifting in them but hot hot hot_

_Sonny’s essence filled space a lot of space and seemed to encircle Vinnie travel around him like a wind escaped from some far off door to the sun left open_

_it allowed him to think of Gina less and avoid the blindness he experienced every time he remembered running into her bedroom and Lorenzo casually raping her as if she were nothing more than a playtoy for his whim_

_blindness like a scarlet haze the utter dissolution of self given over to rage…he wanted to kill didn’t even need an excuse self-defense or not_

_what did that make him?_

_nettles in his eyes now the room coming back into focus the restaurant and Sonny was talking Vinnie concentrated on his lips pink like sandstone moving smiling at him eyes intently watching him_

_he poured more of Vinnie’s beer from the bottle into the tall glass as if he was taking care of him no not ‘as if’ Sonny damn well **was** taking care of him and had been since two nights ago_

_Sonny had changed from an expensive silk business suit to casual slacks a pullover cotton shirt white with a diagonal black stripe tight against his chest long sleeves and Vinnie wore his leather jacket feeling comfortable once again finally finally and he said --  not really caring that he was interrupting some great plan of Sonny’s about some guy they needed to find and deal with who owed Sonny owed him big_

**_thank you_ **

_and Sonny was saying **no need with this asshole for a big drama just…what?**_

****

**_thank you_ ** _and his own hitched voice in his mind was saying it over and over and over and then he realized he was saying it out loud again **thank you thank you**_

_and Sonny was saying **hey c’mon let’s get out of…** tossing money on the table grabbing Vinnie by the arm and taking him outside to the boardwalk where the sun was glaring and the gulls were crying and Vinnie felt Sonny’s hand on his shoulder steadying him steadying him and his throat was completely closed up he couldn’t speak he couldn’t say thank you anymore even though he hadn’t want to stop and the nettles dug in his eyes and the brightness and a blurry Sonny who offered a tiny pained laugh while still rubbing softly at his shoulder **hey shh you’re with me and I’m gonna make sure everything’s okay capische let’s go for a walk on the beach**_

****

_the salt on Vinnie’s cheeks was not entirely from the wind-spray but Sonny didn’t act like he noticed bent down and took off his shoes rolled up his slacks and waded in the mini-tide of the Atlantic Ocean_

_Vinnie followed suit and thought of Frank McPike in that moment and if he were spying with his OCB-issue binoculars and could hear the sarcastic voice of his field supervisor **have you lost your mind?** and managed a forced laugh_

_the sea-water trickled around his toes teased the soles of his feet wound around his ankles cold and unrelenting the shock of it just what he needed to undissolve reorient the sea did not judge_

_he found a sand dollar_

_taking it from him gently brushing the grit Sonny said **it’s not even nicked** and held it lightly in the palm of his hand Vinnie thought he’d throw it back but as he turned away to gaze at the stretched and lazy horizon saw him stow it in his pocket_

_for a long time he stared at the azure line where sky met sea and watched out the corner of his eye Sonny wandering further down the beach pants bunched up against his calves feet bare shoes dangling from one hand daylight as it fell around him striking gold and a new pain surged_

_don’t Sonny just_

_don’t be so goddamn luminous you are the man I am going to arrest…_

_*_

**A Distorted White Line Down The Middle Of The Night**

 

A week later they got in late.  Sonny had taken a pounding.  It wasn’t business as usual.  It was in the gym.  Him and Vinnie.  Sparring.  Revisiting their days in Golden Gloves.  Well, Sonny had been a lot younger then.

 

Now, still sort of reeling, feeling ridiculously old at 35, Sonny fell back onto his couch, head pounding.

 

Vinnie had accompanied him to his penthouse.  Now he brought him the ice pack, holding back a grin.  He didn’t hand it to him, though.  He knelt before him where Sonny sat on the couch and pressed it gently to Sonny’s jaw, using his other hand to tilt Sonny’s head up and look straight into his eyes.  “You dizzy?” Vinnie asked.

 

He wanted to answer: _Only on days ending in ‘y’ since you’ve come into my life_ but instead said, “No, it’s not me.  It’s the world that’s spinning and I don’t think even you can make it stop.”

 

“That’s not right. I think you should see a doctor.”

 

“If it’s a mild concussion he’ll only say to keep me up all night, don’t let me fall asleep.”

 

“Want me to turn on the TV?”

 

“Sure.”  He felt a bit woozy but he wasn’t going to tell Vinnie that.

 

When Vinnie got up everything got duller, emptier in the space he’d vacated.  Even the TV made no sense…nothing did without Vinnie there.  He was aware of his feelings now, fully, and had tried to clamp down, ignore them.  But every day things only got worse.  Even beating on Vinnie in the gym had made his heart beat faster.  Vinnie’s grins and Vinnie’s laughter…even Vinnie’s current doldrums all served to make him itchy, edgy with a hollowness that seemed only to get bigger the faster he tried to fill it up with more and more ‘Vinnie’.

 

They did everything together now.  It wasn’t enough.  At night when he tried to sleep he found himself turning over and over in the bed as if looking for something, unable to get comfortable or fully relax without it.

 

This strangely erotic sensitivity in him wasn’t like his normal tendencies when he felt that way and invited a pretty woman upstairs and warmly ravished her.  This feeling was stronger, like something he wanted so badly but couldn’t have, accompanied by a desire to steal it and keep it. Like the sand dollar Vinnie found that he’d taken from him and put in his pocket.  He still had it.  It was in the bottom of a dresser drawer underneath stacks of shorts and socks.

 

He kept trying to reconcile his desire for Vinnie and his own nature as a ‘ladies man’.  And he kept running up against the absurdity of it all.  He could not even begin to compare the two.  Vinnie skyrocketed his pulse to a different level altogether.

 

He refused to ask himself what it might mean.

 

Vinnie returned to his recently vacated space, much to Sonny’s relief, with aspirin and a glass of cold water.  “Here.  Take this.”

 

Sonny had the ice pack pressed lightly against the side of his head and jaw.  The cold seeped in and the pain started to dwindle.  They’d used sparring helmets but still all it took was one well-placed punch in a split second of finding oneself off-guard.

 

As if from a dream, Vinnie’s voice curved and cajoled around and through him as he said in a rich, soft tone, “You can hit me back if you want…when you can stand, that is.”

 

Sonny laughed and it hurt.  “I don’t want to hit you, Vincent.  No, that’s not it at all.”

 

Vinnie’s mouth seemed to scrunch up as he considered the words.  “How hard did I hit you?”

 

Still laughing, “Maybe not hard enough.”  But he didn’t really think this thing he had for Vinnie was all that funny.  No.  This…whatever it was…struck spikes of crippling bafflement through his heart.  And a not unwarranted fear that Vinnie might recoil.  Though Vinnie showed no sign of recoiling at anything, sweet or sour, that Sonny did.

 

Could he?  Would he?  Might he dare to make any kind of move on Vinnie and live to tell the tale?  The very thought sent his skin chilling and his stomach rolling.  Vinnie noticed.  Said, “Are you going to be sick? Do you need a bucket?”

 

“No.”  He closed his eyes and it was all the worse.  Opened them and Vinnie was there like some genie released from its bottle tantalizing him with a wish.  Before he could stop it, his hand rose up and he pressed his palm gently, smoothly against the center of Vinnie’s chest.  Immediately he felt the warmth and the beating pulse as if it were his very own.

 

Vinnie did not recoil.  Simply, he placed his hand against Sonny’s, holding it in place against him, and said, “Hmm,” very softly, and then, “You’re in no shape to be making any decisions like this right now.”

 

Sonny, not able to think of anything else, disagreed, but closed down all his thoughts, his mind, his body.  He didn’t move, but he mentally curled into himself and did not breathe.

 

Vinnie, still pressing palm to hand, said, “Hey.  Um.  Okay.  Let’s watch some TV and rest.”

 

Sonny pulled his hand back. Vinnie rose from his knees and plopped down next to him. He was close enough that Sonny could feel the blaze of his life force in the air between them, could smell the leather and blue jeans essence of him. Where Sonny was refined and fashionable, toned and fast, Vinnie was stonewashed, intrinsic, essential as earth.  He sweltered with intelligent vigor. Vinnie had beat him in their match that night and Sonny loved it.

 

The space between them was too much, like a line dividing the night into two worlds, Vinnie in one, him in the other.  He wanted to breach it but couldn’t move.  The ice pack was falling to his shoulder now.  It seemed everything was falling.

 

Sinking lower into the cushions of the couch, Sonny spoke.  “So what’s on this time of night?”

 

“Dunno.  Let’s channel surf until we find a car chase or something.”

 

Tired now. “Yeah. Great. Let’s do that.”

 

 

 

*

 

**Louder Than The Rain**

_in the middle of the night the rain came the drum and lull of it against Sonny’s wide penthouse windows like a thousand tiny heartbeats_

_the TV flickering he had turned it way down because Sonny had fallen asleep and even though he had promised to keep him awake all night or until he felt better he didn’t have the heart to wake him didn’t have the strength to lift the weight of his head where it had fallen darkly against his shoulder the hair still slightly curled from the cursory shower (all Sonny could manage) after their sparring at the gym_

_what had happened? what was still happening? his mind berating him teasing with how to compose this day this week so he could make a report to Frank but there were no words to describe it at least not in the language he and Frank currently shared_

_ridiculous to say it like this as if Frank were standing before him blocking the softly murmuring TV: **well he has fallen asleep against me now slightly damp and injured because of me my fault I know I shouldn’t have done it should have pulled my punches only you see Frank Sonny is the kind of guy who notices things like that and it might create a new mistrust if not outright offense and we can’t have that if I’m to be one hundred percent effective on this case we can’t have Sonny being the Sonny we thought he was ever suspicious unthinking standoffish or it won’t work no he has to be the Sonny I create as I nurture that trust and invade my way into his heart like now look at him so relaxed and young and warm it would be so easy to gather him up all loose-limbed like he is now into my arms easy to rest my cheek against his hair offer my heart it’s what he wants I’ve seen it lately in his every glance felt it in the way he cares is concerned for my every waking mood I’ve never known someone so attentive and is it wrong that it makes me tremble and that I pause in my mission even consciously dream of neglecting it stop taking your calls stop calling in to the Lifeguard stop everything from my former life and dive headfirst into this one?**_

_he stared at Sonny because right now illusion-Frank was being impossible and Sonny’s hands were so neatly curved against his thighs his two rings glittering green and yellow in the low TV light and somehow weirdly enticing so that he could not help but reach out and touch the curled fingers of the left hand weaving his own fingers with them and his skin went hot and cold and hot as he closed his eyes_

_what was happening?_

_he should turn in  he should turn himself in quit the case but then he’d have to quit Sonny and it was too late for that he was addicted_

_wanting him_

_crazily wanting him_

_but he had things he needed to do agendas to fulfill_

_could he still work when that world was fading all too fast?_

_somewhere distantly his mind still tried to recite the indefinable reality of it all to his boss who behind round glasses kept up a sturdy frown_

 

**_Frank don’t ask me to be the reliable one I just can’t breathe around him his heart strums louder than the rain_ **

_*_

**This Is The Way It Works**

Fearing at first he was alone, Sonny thought he’d lost his chance, waking to that whirlwind inside him that would never rest.

 

Rain hit the windows.  Then he felt such heat at his side and startled to realize his head had tilted in his sleep and now rested against Vinnie’s shoulder.  He began to jerk away until he felt a weight against his hand, looked down and saw Vinnie’s fingers folded into his own.  His heart stopped.

 

Vinnie shifted when Sonny raised his head and he couldn’t help but lift his chin, turn.  Vinnie’s eyes were still blinking away the tendrils of sleep.  His palm curved and Sonny felt his hand clutch at him for a moment.

 

It was like he was still dreaming and the devil inside him spun and danced as he steadily took in Vinnie’s tossed bangs, the rise and fall of dark lashes while Vinnie was trying to focus, still rebuilding his world.  The soft lips were slightly parted, the skin on his face smooth with only slight graceful hollows at the cheeks that were burnished by night and shadow and a scant growth of beard.

 

No matter what he tried, this thing inside him refused to be tamed.  His breath stuck and caught at his lungs, his throat.  His free hand rose up and before he could stop himself his knuckles were brushing Vinnie’s jaw.  Vinnie’s chest jerked and it seemed he had stopped breathing as well, so before he could do anything about it like push or pull or flee, Sonny leaned in and brushed his lips tentatively against that waiting mouth.

 

Soft, nothing overt or aggressive, and still that minor kiss managed to spark and flare the very air.  His skin heated instantly and he felt sensitive and open in a fever of desire that rushed like a firestorm straight into him.

 

Vinnie pulled back but only about an inch.  There was something like fear in his eyes.  Sonny thought quickly about that, his position in the mob, how people might fear him if he became displeased.  “Scared?”

 

Surprisingly, Vinnie shook his head.  Then shut his eyes.  “Yes, of myself.”

 

It was actually funny how Vinnie never had seemed afraid of Sonny even from the very beginning.  Funny and odd.  Vinnie was not like any man he’d ever met.  “Yeah, I guess that’s normal because you’re so scary.”

 

Vinnie’s eyes opened and the look in them only deepened.

 

The rain let up on the windows.  The TV glowed on ‘mute’.

 

Sonny felt their hands still connected, slightly damp, humid where they touched.  Sonny leaned forward again letting his other hand travel to the back of Vinnie’s head.  His fingers sank into the hair there, silken and feathery.  His palm pressed the nape of his neck.

 

Vinnie did not tense.  He stayed very still.

 

This time Sonny kissed him for real, pressing.  Not hard.  Not even demanding.  This time he just let his lips feel the contour of Vinnie’s, the texture of the pink skin, and very distantly, the flavor.  Like sipping a fine, expensive wine.

 

Vinnie leaned into it and when he did all of Sonny’s muscles seemed to give as if nothing filled his body now but liquid hot and thick.

 

Vinnie’s hand came up and touched his shoulder.  The burn of it was euphoric.

 

All his senses gathered, heightened.  Because it was Vinnie.  He was on his couch.  And he was in his arms.  Finally.

 

Vinnie was slim but thick-shouldered, broad.  He had density.  He had solidity.  Feeling him against his chest as the kiss progressed was like nothing he’d experienced before.  He’d never been with men in this way.  He didn’t care.

 

When their tongues lightly met they clutched each other harder with increased intensity.  Sonny thought maybe he was pulling too hard at Vinnie’s hair.  Vinnie let out a groan but not of pain.

 

A break for breath.  Their gasps mingled.

 

Now Vinnie’s look was tousled, glittery.  Irresistible.  “Hell,” Sonny breathed and went back for thirds.  Vinnie’s energy met his evenly all the way.

 

Night shattered on the rain-drenched windows.  Vinnie’s hair looked void-black streaked with gold from the downtown city lights shining through the glass.  By now Sonny had his hands framing Vinnie’s face and one knee under himself, lifting his body over him.  Vinnie’s arms were around his shoulders.  Sonny wanted to kiss him and look at him at the same time, but he had to keep giving up one thing to do the other.  “Damn you’re beautiful,” he whispered into the air.

 

Vinnie pulled him forward and fell back a bit toward the couch arm, bringing Sonny on top.

 

Everything between them was hot and vivid.  Dreamy but real.  Sonny wanted him more than anyone he could ever remember wanting, not bought, not coerced, not as a soldier or guard, but just Vinnie here and now with Vinnie’s will freely wanting him back.  Stripped of the outside world, he wanted a continuance with this man without any labels or trappings.  Simply, he wanted the pureness of being he’d felt with Vinnie from the start, and he wanted it for more than this one moment.

 

Desperately, he kissed him again.  Vinnie’s laugh came, an obvious response to his exuberance, muffled under his lips, the air of it hectic and hot, the kiss turning lambent, fervent.

 

It wasn’t playful, what they were doing and yet the pleasure was like play, growing into enchantment.

 

Sonny thought he might climax from that simple, pure intensity, his arousal a deep slicing bliss that spread wildly throughout his body.  He didn’t come but hung suspended in that trance, letting it remake him into a being whose core was fire.

 

Vinnie’s strong arms lifted him up a bit and he looked at him from sparkling blue eyes. “Jesus, can we make it to your bed?”

 

He kept finding himself reaching down, crouched over him awkwardly on the narrow couch, touching Vinnie’s face again and again.  He didn’t even know how to respond to the question.

 

“Let’s try,” Vinnie insisted.

 

Somehow Sonny got to his feet, nearly losing his balance as he tried to pull Vinnie up with him.  He wanted to help Vinnie stand but it turned out the other way around.  He swayed and Vinnie’s arm around him kept him up, legs trembling.

 

It was Vinnie who led them to Sonny’s bedroom.  Vinnie whose warm arms pressed to Sonny’s sides, fingers grabbing the hem of his shirt and pulling it up.  Sonny lifted his arms, fell back onto the bed after his shirt came off and struggled with his trouser buttons.  Vinnie tore his own shirt off and threw it, then sank on the bed next to him.  He touched Sonny’s waist.  His hands went to the buttons and deftly undid what Sonny’s fingers could not comprehend. The zipper came down.  Sonny wriggled up as Vinnie pulled down, breath catching over and over.

 

He fell back again, soft pillows fluffing around his head, body entirely exposed now, even his shoes and socks gone, kicked over the side of the bed to litter the floor.  Vinnie crowded over him, touching him everywhere.  Sonny had wanted to finish undressing him, but he couldn’t move now, couldn’t figure out anything to do but pull Vinnie closer, running his hands up and down his arms.

 

Vinnie’s hands skimmed his chest, his waist, his hips.  Sonny felt furiously aroused, his hard cock pressed tightly up to his belly.  The pressure, the shivers of pleasure…all of it was almost too much.

 

He wanted to feel more of Vinnie and pulled him down until their bare chests met.  He tilted his head up and Vinnie saw it and bent to kiss him.  Even now, that was still what Sonny wanted.  More than anything.  This guy in his arms, naked, warm and heavy, body taut with impending ecstasy, and kissing him with the passion of a man too long unfed.

 

Sonny gasped into his mouth as Vinnie’s fingers caressed his cock.  It was not going to take much.  He couldn’t remember this ever happening to him before.  He always had some control.  Always.

 

He was aware of nothing else but Vinnie’s mouth, the sounds of himself and Vinnie heaving for breath as neither was inclined to let the other loose, lips open, tongues entwined.

 

Vinnie’s hand remained curved and warm against his arousal, not really moving but gently closing and unclosing.

 

His own hands pressed tight to Vinnie’s back.  He had wanted to hold him like this for so long.  Now he was inhabiting a new world that was better than he could ever have imagined.

 

He pressed up with his hips.  Vinnie gave a little moan of approval as he pushed with his free hand, never letting Sonny go, the hot ecstasy of that hold on him tightening as he moved down in the bed before Sonny could think, could react, could approve or protest…and took him in his damp mouth.

 

Sonny’s vision sparked.  His whole body convulsed.  Vinnie’s strength held him down and he didn’t stop what he was doing but only increased the depth, the tempo, the enthusiasm.

 

Sonny heard himself speaking…another language, something new and strange.  Whatever it was, the words were unfamiliar and yet perfectly clear: he was transformed.

 

He’d had blowjobs before, but this was like something brand new. A disassembling of his whole body.  A feeling as if an ocean of mouths and tongues suckled over every inch of him, nowhere left untouched.

 

He spiraled into gold-black stars, breath clenched tight in his lungs, one hand reaching out to settle on Vinnie’s silken dark head, then clasping hard as he came throbbing, taut, strong.  He was so turned on it lasted and lasted until he heard himself begging, “Stop” even though he never wanted to stop, never wanted it to end. Vinnie curled around him, pressed against him so warm and lifted his head looking tumbled and radiant and somehow redeemed, then gifted Sonny with a full smile, a smile rarely seen this past week.  The up-curved lips, the fullness of his eyes…almost a grin but more reverent.  He slid up Sonny’s body and Sonny hugged him tight trying to think of something to utter, a word, a groan, but managing only to gasp, a man drowning in his own tumultuous passion.

 

Vinnie kissed him tightly as Sonny reached down his slick, smooth skin and realized he was still wearing his jeans.  He yanked the waistband, speaking around Vinnie’s lips.  “This won’t do.”

 

Vinnie lifted away for only as long as it took to tear them off.  He bent his knees and gathered socks and shoes with the jeans, kicking at them all.  By then Sonny was on him, unable to keep his hands away from that solid, hard body covered with such indefinably soft skin.  His hands seemed to mold into Vinnie’s flesh like butter, down his sides, around to his backside, filling with muscle and flexing buttocks as Vinnie almost rippled in his arms first on his side, then rolling onto his back with Sonny following, propping himself over him so he could get the full view.

 

It was maddening how gorgeous Vinnie was.  He threw one arm over his head, the other hand still curved around Sonny’s bicep, and breathed in long and tight, eyes half-closed.  Sonny looked him up and down, watching the flat, nearly hairless chest rise and fall, taking in the indentation of his bellybutton, the darkness of hair interrupting the smoothness of the abdomen.  Vinnie’s cock angled dark and shiny against his left thigh, the head smooth, round, full and flushed.  His knees were slightly bent, thigh muscles tensed and slightly trembling.

 

Sonny decided the person who invented clothes had never seen this man.  If he had, he would have realized his crime to cover such beauty.

 

Suddenly it was as if Vinnie was shy because he reached up with his one upraised arm and pulled Sonny to him.  His other arm remained above his head but he curled and fit himself to Sonny’s body, pressing up.

 

Sonny said, kissing his neck, “Just looking.”

 

Vinnie said, as if disconnected, “Touch me.”  And pressed tighter to him.

 

Slowly Sonny rubbed himself against that straining frame, feeling the strength of him, the flaring fever, the tautness of his erect cock against his hip.  He licked at Vinnie’s neck, making him shudder, tasting salt.  His forehead rubbed the roughness of Vinnie’s unshaven jaw and that sent shivers down Sonny’s spine as well.

 

Vinnie lifted his head, maybe for another kiss or to just look at Sonny looking at him.  Sonny reached up and let his hand cup the top of Vinnie’s head which fell back again.  Sonny whispered, “God, Vinnie, you make me crazy.”

 

Vinnie could only give an answering growl as Sonny moved to lick and kiss his stomach, his hips, his thighs.  His other hand fell up and back until now both hands were above his head as he uncurled, attempted to relax, open, allowing Sonny free and total access.  This was a gift and Sonny took it.

 

Reclining Vinnie.  Sonny would always remember that pose.  A classic.

 

At the small dent where hip met thigh…Sonny decided worlds could end right there.  He licked that spot as Vinnie’s cock nudged his cheek.  He turned his head, moved his tongue upon what he found, side to side.  Flicked the polished head.

 

Vinnie was having trouble breathing.

 

Sonny moved over him and Vinnie moaned, legs tensing, then falling open as he arched in pleasure.

 

The tastes were addictive, clean as raindrops spiced with the sea.  Skin of August under a reddening sun.  Vinnie was the wind’s spirit, frayed voice like a lost prayer, enchantment incarnate, as he undulated under Sonny’s attentions.  He imposed his drenching essence upon the very atmosphere of the room.  The windows steamed.

 

He cried out his name, much to Sonny’s delight.

 

When he came the spasms shook up and down his tall frame.  Sonny tasted fierceness, Eden, stark devotion.  Strong hands closed around his head tugging.  Sonny crawled over him until he faced him.  Vinnie’s hands framed his cheeks.  The aftermath kiss was electric.  Blocked his breath.  The embrace tightened, arms, legs…after climax the passion did not retreat.

 

Vinnie rolled them until they were on their sides.  Sonny traced his eyebrows with his thumbs, watching those light eyes gaze up at him, never wanting to look away.  He laughed.

 

Vinnie said, “I didn’t expect…”

 

Sonny finished, “this.  I know.”  Breathed out hard.  Everything sparkled as they made love a second time. And after.

 

*

 

 

**The Course Is Sunward**

_…trying to tell himself that the world is better this way_

_for now it was_

_the warm breath of his lover floating against his chest_

_the pureness of Sonny the all-too honest love_

_an urge to torch all evidence of this infamous man’s misdeeds_

_an adoration from Sonny unmatched by any past lover_

_could he come into this new world and survive? stay? it was already so difficult to breathe_

_Sonny slept so close to his heart he couldn’t tell if it was even his own anymore and they say once you’ve eaten the food you can’t go back_

_he noticed now strange things how light folds wades dissolves but always returns the morning looking for itself in the mirror of the sky_

**_we’re all wanderers even Frank in the vastness of his prescription lenses that subsume him like his self-imposed processes rules protocols_ **

_and yes Vinnie wanted the stain of crime gone from the streets as badly as Frank revenge for Stan for Gina wanted more than to believe he was right but to **know** he was right wanted violence and bullying to stop wanted Sonny to be…what? something other than he was?and how would that work what would Sonny be if not Sonny Steelgrave decisive strong-arm shadow-figure organizing the streets into lesser chaos but chaos was still a messy business that could not be helped_

_what could he do take him home make a pet pay for breakfasts at Dennys lunch with Ma on Sundays burn him on the pyre of Pete’s daily sermons tell Frank it’s okay they didn’t fail the mission was a success look he’s tame now he’s on a leash see I hold his heart in my hand_

_but what else could he do? now in Sonny’s bed after all the dreamy hazy kissing and feeling like never leaving those hot sheets those smooth tight arms wrapped around his shoulders_

_no one had ever made him euphoric like this_

_no one ever would_

_he knew this was it this was bewitchment Sonny the pirate guide how he’d laughed at Vinnie speechless in his new nature not knowing not understanding that Vinnie had lied had lied had finally stopped lying but never stopped wrapping himself in guilt_

_never stopped feeling that slice in his soul even as he spilled his pleasure and saw the secret of Sonny that despite the job he was made of pure joy and radiance an incandescence that slept but never truly rested always tapping glowing dancing drumming_

_even before this night Sonny’s eyes had been communicating for weeks **remember I love you** like a supplication_

**_I didn’t think it would be like this_ ** _they’d said almost in unison as the mist of the room condensed upon their skin their hair_

_in this damp otherrealm nothing of the OCB remained just Sonny’s lips and skin and cock all bronze all dissolving against his tongue all part of him now_

_there was a window overlooking the city lights and nothing seemed real when he looked closer it was a painting with a tiny phone booth where the Lifeguard was a fable and Frank the boss his fictional friend_

_someone had written it all somewhere in a book Vinnie was sure making up the rules as they went along that Sonny was bad and had to be taken down and Vinnie had to suffer for it_

_all imagined_

_all lies_

_the only truth this ruffling of spirits between them this affection Sonny moving gently waking watching speaking as if from a thousand years away **before you came I was no one**_

****

_and Vinnie **I know I know it’s okay now I promise**_

_the dream was reality he demanded it_

**_now where were we?_ ** _he whispered into Sonny’s mouth lips no longer trembling on lies no longer a visitor from another world but acclimating to this one pulling Sonny to him and Sonny looking all hazel and fierce-eyed shiny the pulse gathering in his veins a wild fluttering gusting no leash he straddled Vinnie ravished him warmly kept him in the blanket of his skin and didn’t let him go_

**_it’s not my fault Frank from now on I’ll be staying out late I’ll always be hurrying toward him every waking moment don’t look for me anymore there’s no more gravity where I’ve gone the course is sunward the destination steadfast unwavering my promise until_ **

****

**_the end_ **

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, you may enjoy some of my other fan works on this archive, as well as my m/m romance e-books (The Foundling, None Can Hold the Dark, and others) under the name "Wendy Rathbone" on Amazon. I am also a poet and a short story writer. I have two "The Vampire Diaries" novellas, "The Myth" and "Deep In the Virginia Woods," on Kindle Worlds here:
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HDP6CCA


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